Heroes and Safe Places
by Rosesdancinginmymind
Summary: SQ one-shot. T for language. Set on the boat on the way to Neverland. Regina wants to be the hero Henry has told her she is but after many sleepless nights she needs to be saved from her own demons.


_SQ one-shot. T for language. Set on the boat on the way to Neverland. Regina wants to be the hero Henry has told her she is but after many sleepless nights she needs to be saved from her own demons. _

_I don't own Once or its characters. Apologies for any mistakes. Hope you like it :)_

My life has been full of sleepless nights. I have tried to sleep, I have used every remedy I've ever discovered through research but nothing helps. I have no disillusions as to the reasons why sleep evades me. The reason is me. The problem with the past is that if you refuse to acknowledge it or bury it away then it finds ways to haunt you. In my case it seeps into my subconscious mind forcing me to remember all the things I wish I could forget.

Guilt and regret are my main demons as they force me to relive all of my crimes. My father, Graham, the many I killed or sent to their deaths, the ones whose hearts I took for reasons I cannot even remember, my treatment of Henry. All of them as shadows encircling me telling me I'll never change or that I'm not capable of good before they drown me in darkness. I wish I could take back the pain I caused these people but I know my apologies are not enough to soothe the misery I've caused. Redemption is a long and lonely road but I know now that it is one worth taking, that it is worth all the fractured nights where I wake up with tears or sweat streaming down my face knowing I can't go back to sleep, knowing I'm not strong enough to face all those I've wronged.

I rise out of my cold cramped bunk taking care not to wake the other occupants of this dingy cabin. I am currently stuck on a boat with my family/former enemies. I sigh again wishing I had realised long before now that life would have been far simpler had I learned to accept these people as Henry's family and not fought against them but then again they did the same to me. I think again of Henry. I let him down. We all did. He's spent this past year caught in the middle of our war, it shouldn't have been that way. I wanted the best for him, a childhood where he could laugh and smile but instead my lies forced him to run from me.

My nights and days now are mainly filled with thoughts of him be they memories of his childhood, guilt over my past treatment of him, fear of how he is faring in Neverland, worries of how to find him and most persistently the last time I saw him. The image floods my dreams, me trying to stop that trigger and failing, my apology to my baby boy – I really thought I'd never see him again – him hugging me. He chose to spend what could have been our last moments with me. For a few seconds I finally wasn't alone and the ache in my heart began to lessen. I know that having him in my life has let the light back into my heart but I also know that it is up to me to keep that light in there and not let the darkness take it over. I cling to that moment where he embraced me but in my dreams just like in reality he disappears/

I bite my hand to stifle the sob before quickly rising out of the cabin hoping the sound of the waves and the solace of the stars might help soothe my mind.

Standing over the railing I stare up into the inky darkness of the sky. I wonder if these are the same stars Henry can see. I barely even notice the tears making their way down my cheeks as I remember how he used to draw animals in the stars. A pig. A dog. A cat. A dragon. A shooting star makes its way across the sky and I remember how he used to wish on them. I wonder if any of his came true. I know none of my wishes as a child were ever answered. Squeezing my eyes shut I hope this wish works, just once, please let this one come true _I wish that my son is safe and that we find him soon._

I keep my eyes closed and lose myself in the dream that when I open my eyes he'll be there but when I finally squeeze them open there is no little boy shouting "Mom!" running into my arms. There is just empty space.

My legs are beginning to sway under the exhaustion. My body is still weak from the effects of Greg and Tamara's machine as well as the efforts of disarming the trigger. I know my lack of sleep has not helped.

I feel my knees give way as I collapse into sobs still staring out into the nothingness of this damn boat and sea. _I just want my son back_. I wonder how things will be when he returns. He'll probably return home to Emma and her parents but maybe at least he'll want to see me. _Maybe she will again too_. He called me a hero. He believes I can be good and strong. I need to prove that to him. I need to find him and be the hero he needs me to be. For a long time in my life I have been selfish but that has to stop. He is more important. I have to find him. I try to raise myself up on shaky legs but they give way immediately. I crumble weakly to the ground not even caring that my sobs are now borderline hysterical. I close my eyes giving into the tiredness as the blackness comes over me. _Some hero. Can't even stand up. Pathetic. _The voice in my head taunts me and I wish it would stop. I cover my ears with my hands but it continues. _Scared to sleep and collapsed on the floor. Weakling. How do you expect to save your son if you can't even save yourself?_

"Please stop" I whimper. The voice sounds exactly like my mother when she used to taunt me during my lessons and punishments.

_Please stop. I thought you were the evil queen. Not a villain. Not a hero. You're nothing._

"Stop. Please. I'll be good"

_Good? And where has good got you? A whimpering mess on a cold floor. You don't deserve your son._

"Please stop!" my whimper is slowly turning into a cry and I smack my fists into my ears ignoring the slight ringing it causes.

_Why? It's not like you're strong enough to fight me anyway. You're just a scared woman too weak to protect herself or her son. _

"That's not true. Shut up!" I shout scratching at the side of my face.

"Regina?" this voice sounds outside of my head but nonetheless I screw my eyes shut as the other rages on. _Who's going to make me shut up? Some shell of a queen? I don't think so._

"No. Stop it. Be quiet"

This time my hands don't reach my ears because something else catches them.

_Oh look now you're trapped. Bet you can't escape_.

"You're wrong!" I shout as I begin to thrash against whatever is trying to hold me still. "Regina!" the voice sounds familiar but I can't open my eyes. I can feel the fear in my chest. The people on this ship have tried to hurt me before so why would they help me?

_They wouldn't. _

The exhaustion is overwhelming and I collapse as a deadweight, the grip on my wrists the only thing holding me up as I whimper again "Just stop please"

"Regina. It's me Emma. Open your eyes"

_Do you really believe she'd still come for you? _

I shake my head "No"

"It's okay Regina, I think you're having a bad dream. You need to wake up"

_You really think you can escape me?_

I wail helplessly against the mocking voice in my head knowing it's right. There's only so long you can run from your demons before they come to get you. I can no longer escape mine and they now punish me for my years of running.

"Regina open your eyes"

I wish I could but the voice reaches out for me, a cold sinister hand emerging through the darkness. "No. No. No. Please don't take me back there" I cry out as I begin to try and run knowing that when this hand catches up with me it sends me back to face those ghostly shadows again. My legs give way after only a few steps and I expect to hit the floor but I stop mid-fall. There are strong arms around my waist.

"You're okay. I've got you. You're safe, just open your eyes"

I can still see the hand behind me. _You're not the hero of this story. Heroes are brave and you are far too cowardly to escape me. _No, I think, I can do this. Henry told me I'm a hero. I have faith in him. Be brave I think. Emma is there to catch you. She does often to seem to be. The fire, the mob, the wraith and the trigger. I take a deep breath hoping my leap of faith pans out and slowly ease my eyes open to meet concerned blue-green ones.

Overcome with relief I let myself collapse into her arms knowing she'll catch me. She stumbles a little before lowering us to the ground and settling me awkwardly in her lap. I remember how I used to settle Henry after his nightmares in this way. Another sob bubbles out of my throat as the memory hits. I wonder if he still remembers or if it's all lost under the evil queen.

One of her hands comes round and draws circles in my back. I rest my head against her shoulder. Neither of us says a word, the only sound coming from my sobs. Emma simply lets me cry it out for a few minutes until I'm gathered enough to speak.

"Thank you" I say unsure of where exactly we stand right now. Before the curse came to town there was animosity with the occasional hate-fuck in my office or the station, then there were the few times we allowed the other to be soft, gentle, the nights I would let her stay over – those being the few I was able to sleep. There were days we would ice each other out or attack each other but I like to think underneath it all we both cared. Then the curse broke. She found out the truth and like Henry she felt betrayed, hurt and angry but she saved me anyway. When she came back from the enchanted forest we spent another night together, both of us just relieved to see that the other was still alive. After that it all fell apart, my mother came to town and we were on opposite sides. She left for New York and Neal returned with her. She told him she loved him, granted he'd been shot and was falling through a portal but I still felt jealous. I know she is not my enemy. We were on a semi-civil basis before my kidnapping but I wished for more. We are Henry's mothers. We are on the same team but aside from that I don't know.

"You're welcome" she replies still drawing those circles.

I take a deep breath revelling in her familiar scent before asking the question I need the answer to most, "Why did you save me?"

She doesn't misunderstand. I wonder if she even knows. "Because I care about you. Even when I hated you I cared about you. I know you're not sleeping, I heard you get up tonight, I was worried and apparently rightfully so. How long has that been going on?"

"Too long"

"I've never seen it happen before"

"When you stayed over it never did" the words "You make me feel safe" remain unspoken but she nods as if I voiced them anyway.

"I miss you" she whispers quietly as if we shouldn't be having this conversation and not now.

"I miss you too"

"I used to wish we could be together as family, you, me and Henry but now he's gone and I have no idea what I am to you anymore"

"I miss him too"

"Is that what you were dreaming about?"

"Not tonight. There's a lot for me to have nightmares about"

She frowns, "You're a better person now you know. You just need to believe in yourself as much as Henry and I do"

I tilt my head up at her words, "You still believe in me?"

She smiles softly, "I think a part of me always did"

Silence descends again for a few moments as I work up the courage I need to tell her what I've wanted to since I narrowly escaped death a few days ago, "For what it's worth I wanted that as well"

"Wanted what?"

"To be a family with you and Henry. I should have let you know that before but I couldn't. But when I was on that table I kept thinking that I never got the chance to tell you that I-I love you"

She smiles then, "I love you too"

I smile back before the doubt falls again, "But what about Neal?"

She sighs, "He was my first love and he's Henry's father but there's nothing romantic left between us. But when I'm with you it just feels different"

"Different?"

"Good different. I missed you, I didn't miss him. With you I felt happier even when we were fighting because I knew beneath it all you cared about me. I just feel like I need you to know who I am and where I belong. I mean this year has been like a total mind-fuck but you don't care that I'm the saviour or that I'm the kid of Snow White and Prince Charming. You let me be Emma"

"Being Emma is a good thing dear. Plus you may complain about that saviour title but you save me all the time"

"Well maybe I like being my family's saviour"

"Can we do this?"

"Be a family?"

I nod.

She pauses chewing her lip, "I think we could. I mean it would be hard but some things are worth fighting for and you and Henry are to me"

"Well then dear I believe we have a plan"

"We do?"

I sit up a little so I am on eye level with her before moving in for a gentle kiss. She responds and a warmth spreads through my body at reconnecting with her soft lips after so long. I pull away slightly before staring at her smiling face, "We are going to find Henry together and then our family will return to Storybrooke"

"And what about what everyone else thinks?"

"I don't need them. I just need you and Henry"

She smiles again this time initiating the kiss herself. "Okay. I'm in."

I grin resting my head against hers finally feeling hopeful again. I can feel that little light in my heart spreading bit by bit and I know with her by my side I can be strong enough. For them I can be a hero. I do my best to suppress a yawn but ultimately fail.

Emma chuckles before shaking her head, "Hold on" she says.

I look up at her in confusion before wrapping my arms around her neck. Once I've done so she lifts me up with her arms. "We're going to bed" she says.

"What about your parents?"

"We can explain it in the morning. Right now we have a son to save and we need our rest to do it"

I nod in agreement and let her carry me through to the cabin. I shut the door quietly for her and she settles us into her bunk. She lays me down first before sliding in beside me, "Big spoon or little spoon?" she asks.

I smile at the familiar question, "Can I be the little spoon?"

She nods before wrapping her arm around my waist and resting her head on my shoulder. "Goodnight Regina. I love you"

"Night Emma. I love you too and I've missed this"

"Me too, now get some sleep"

"You'll be here?"

"Always"

I smile before snuggling further into her hold. We may have a long journey ahead but in her arms I know I'm safe. I'm home. And once we find our son we can work on a happy ending. I know we can both be heroes but even heroes need a safe place to rest. I just hope I can be hers like she is mine. I can tell she's waiting for me to sleep. My saviour I think with a peaceful smile knowing that she'll be there to protect me. I close my eyes and drift off to a restful sleep.

_Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading :)_


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